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“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)”.
Lovely friends,
Where do I even begin from? I suppose if saying “I’m sorry” can start, then Yes!……...
I’m sorry.
Looking back, and if I am to say it has been awfully stressful 10 or so months for me, it would be an understatement. Still I can’t figure out the right description for this. When it seems the whole world has turned against you; from my ‘Demorash/Roadrash crash’ to many more others, series of awkward things that changed my ways of looking at the world happened and I still can’t believe that they did happen. The fact is, all these tried to temper with my faith in God, yes, it did.
My effectiveness to respond to sensitive issues raised by closest friends has since been reduced to minimal. A lot of ‘far cries’ made caused a stir in my life in recent days and as a result, I used the last few days to evaluate my life and see how forward/backward I had moved during this disastrous period of my life, I got to understand that, my life was falling apart. I was pushing away my most important friends. I was full of hate, anger and distress, coupled with poor ambitions that were only pushing me against the walls. Life has been so hell as I witnessed from my drawing board. I could hardly get any worse.
The guy who used to be a strong and fully devoted Christian had gone to being just a church goer (usually once or twice a month), one that can now hardly locate where his ‘Holy Bible’ is – The devil was now succeeding. I was now living a double life. To my Christian friends (who I could meet at most twice a month), I was still the kind and peace loving child of God and to my other friends (who actually or practically didn’t exist), I was a spiteful, angry man full of hatred and despair – pure symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD. He (Devil) created this in me, who else could do this? He wanted to break down my life, the link I had with Jesus. It was getting worse. At that rate of arrogance, I understand why I was left struggling with my own ego. No one could tolerate it. Everyone jumped out as quickly as they could to judge me as per their standards, and they are not to blame for that – it’s kind of human. I was wrong. I could have lived on a hellish island for 5 years and came back even better this.
The last two of my only few close friends who “through thick and thin” stuck with me (always sending me emails and text messages, phone calls etc. to make sure I was fine) promised to visit me a few weeks ago. None of them came (I couldn’t see that coming), sent them emails, facebook messages and phone texts but I didn’t get any response/reply. Made phones calls to them as well, but it didn’t work. Three weeks gone and I haven’t received any emails, phone calls or texts from them explaining why they didn’t come. Now I won’t be wrong to think that my arrogance and indiscriminate negative actions and attitudes surpassed their tolerance – my mouth was always more active than my brain – need no study to figure out that. I was a crook
From an honest and apologetic point, I hardly can believe that really happened but I suppose retrospection is always 20/20. It was stupid and I wasn’t the person that every of my friends expected me to be. The boy was strong and could’ve gotten out of that so easily and stronger – I didn’t. It’s just a reflection of a human paradigm around life that does play into the wider context of immediate life and or of the future. When a moment of uncertainty becomes certain, we become transfixed by it to the extent we are in most cases, unless we wake up soon, governed by them (uncertainties). You do not want deal with the reality anymore. Within the struggle paradigm, and all the internal fights we have, we succumb to being perpetually miserable as we struggle against something that is inevitable anyway. From this fear, a new social way of life is born in us.
And there it went for me. All my actions could have been down to the above, but even if I explain them (my actions), it still doesn’t justify the fact that I said/did some pretty awful, hurtful and disgusting things to a lot of people, but the fact is, I am still human and as mortal beings, we are bound to make a lot of mistakes in our lives. But that’s not what’s important, how we react to the mistakes and how quickly we learn from them are.
This letter is a kind request to whoever (I know a lot of them out there) got hurt by my actions/words, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I did and put this matter behind us. The Bible teaches us about forgiveness.
“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)”.
I’ve taken a lot of time to organize these and put them together so that everyone involved will find it in their hearts to forgive me. And hopefully, during this transition from a certain life to the next, what transpired can become one of those incidents that will make us learn to be stronger and for longer than ever.
I thought about this for a long time and I know I have sinned against God and a lot of men out there. I already cried about this and committed my life back to Christ. Now it’s time for me to get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. It’s time for me to try and be kind and compassionate to others, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave us. Hopefully, I will be able to successfully offer my gifts at the alter again after this forgiveness.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)”
Just before publishing this, I was talking to one lady who’s fast approaching to becoming one of my ‘very best friends’. She was so quick, in this short period to notice that, my life was in a poor direction. I knew she meant I was not facing reality here..the fact that I was hurting a lot of people was crippling my efficiency in every aspect of life. She had to warn me of the consequences that I would face as payment for whatever darkness was over me. Thanks for this friend, I was already paying for it anyway but this is the only way to get out of it. Apologize.....
As I transition into this new chapter of my life, I apologize to all the girls/boys, everyone that I have dearly hurt. Please I am sorry.
I thank God for opening my eyes and helping me get back my Bible again.
If you have anything on your mind regarding this, please feel free to share it. I promise to listen before I speak. It’s the least I could do if you’re willing to forgive me. You know how to contact me. I hope you do.
Again, I am sorry - I apologize for being human!
I still need your support.