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A former sex worker - 25, who is now a mother to one and committed wife to a 58year old man shares her life story with me.
“At a young age of 6, my dad passed on. I and my other 3 sisters and 2 brothers were too many and always a bother to mum to care for…, 5 years on, tragedy hit again and my mother – who was the only one trying to take care of us passed on as well I was just 11 and could hardly defend myself” – Laura whose real name has been withheld narrates her story as I, with so much pain listen.
It was one very weird evening, coming back from outta town for a few days; Jenny was quick to notice a new person in the neighborhood. Apparently, I and Jenny had forged a strong friendship between us already in our first few weeks in the new environment. As part of her willingness to know more about her neighbors, Jenny discovered that Laura had a man twice as old as her as her husband. The man who seemed to be in his mid-fifties was a husband of soon to be (nearest August) 25year old.
With a campaign against cross generational relationship all over media houses, I thought it would be wise for me to find out the exact reasons as to why Laura allowed this to happen, and here the story goes.
Following the death of both her parents and subsequent disappearance of her older brother and sister respectively, the then 15 year old Laura moved on from a village in Mityana to stay with her maternal aunt in Kabalagala, a Kampala suburb. – Even though this was supposed to be or rather seemed like a relief to her as she finally got a family to stay with, Laura was always subjected to witnessing a lot of domestic violent acts including being several times sexually abused. “My aunt was always at the receiving ends of all sorts of abuse from her ever drunk husband for not bearing a child for him,” Laura said. Her aunt didn’t have any children. As with most young girls living in this kind of condition, Laura who also was a subject of constant sexual abuse from her then new ‘dad’, recalls a night when her aunt who had travelled to see a sick relative did not come back home. “My drunken uncle came home and asked me to take to their bedroom some food. He later forced himself on to me.” Laura, narrating her story would never have felt any pain worse than losing her virginity to a certain ‘supposed dad’.
In much pain for days, Laura was on several occasions, questioned by her aunt who had returned just a day after the incidence to explain why she was unable to walk, but she hardly opened her mouth except for crying.
I asked Laura why she couldn’t tell of the incidence to her aunt, but could she ever have told her this? The answer definitely is No. The sexual abuse she received wasn’t enough; Laura was always at a receiving end of constant death threats from her uncle in case she made her aunt aware of the incidence. “The last person who should have known this was my aunt,” Said Laura. Secondly, she never wanted to embarrass the aunt. Luckily for her, she managed to keep that a secret.
Weeks on, the slowly recovering Laura wished she had never met her uncle, ‘a certain dad’. Very well knowing she was afraid to let her aunt know about it, her uncle advantageously took a step forward to forcefully drive her to bed again with continuous similar or much more worse threats, an act that would continue for months before she got tired and set a trap for her uncle – an idea that was intended to make complete confessions to her aunt who would in turn kick her out of her home.
By then, 15year old Laura who was just a few months old in Kampala prior to her move from Kayunga did not know so many people in the city and could hardly locate where she was. The painfully speaking girl later learnt she was after all still in Kabalagala after a few days wondering searching for help. “I remember staying for two days and nights without food,” she recalls. Even though a certain man, who Laura claims she’s greatly indebted to but, until then, they had never met again, rescued her from the streets and took her to his home, she had it at the back of her mind she was never going to stay there forever. “Of course, I knew that. I needed to just stay for a short while before I got kicked out or even kicked myself from that home.” Laura thought she got lucky when a few weeks later, a woman hired her to work in her night bar. – The sad part came on her debut night when a male customer, who according to her current judgment, could’ve been in his mid-thirties signaled to her asking how much she wanted from him. “I couldn’t understand what he meant by that. I was afraid to take any step. He later made it clear to me that he wanted to have sex with me and pay money,” Laura adds. The then frightened girl didn’t know what she was about to get into. She never wanted to do this according to her, but remembering that she had lost her virginity to a ‘certain supposed dad’ who was almost as old as her soon to be customer, and for free and eventually got kicked out of a place she thought was home with embarrassment, Laura thought if this man was going to pay her, she would be willing to give it a try. The money would help her later according to her. “I got kicked out of home, I didn’t have any home any more, neither did I have any friends or brothers or sisters or anyone. If I was to survive, I needed money, and how was I going to get the money?” Laura asks. The money that would be around Ugx 4,000/= (approx. USD 1.5 on current rating) was to be Laura’s biggest earning then and would make any homeless 15year old happier.
Silent for some seconds, and looking in so much pain, I thought it would be okay if she didn’t want to talk about it but the determined and strong looking now 25year old was quick to rubbish my suggestion, claiming it was okay if I wanted to hear everything, after all, she had told the me what she thought was the worst. In 2006, she had turned 16 and an established commercial sex worker. “I joined prostitution at 15 going onto 16, and it wasn’t my fault. I’m not afraid to tell you this.” Like any other children, Laura had her childhood dreams. “I wanted to become a doctor but look where I was then – a prostitute. My age mates were in senior three or so and I was on street” she said.
What Laura initially thought was a terribly wrong move turned out to be somewhat good to her. Apparently, she had never gotten anyone to share this with and she thought I understood her. Her thought was correct, indeed I understood her. “Sex work” and “transactional sex” are notoriously slippery categories in Uganda, where sexual relationships routinely involve financial and material exchange. Commercial sex work is largely a designation of interpretation in certain settings e.g. brothels, women acknowledge their occupation as that of sex worker
For many, joining commercial work is from economic necessity, often due to a lack of spousal/family support. In many instances women have the need to support children and find sex work a means of doing so. Whether or not women were born into poor families or later experienced economic shocks, Laura thinks financial stress is the key driver for entry into sex work. This is often because sex work offers a degree of independence, though it is one option among a number of unattractive options to low-skilled women
More recently, The Uganda AIDS Commission (UAC) estimated that there were over 54,549 sex workers in Uganda – a figure that was likely to vastly under - report the number of women who exchange sex for money in Uganda simply because they are based on self-reporting.
Until 2013, Laura was amongst the 54,549 sex workers. “I prostituted for 7years before the man you think is too old for me came to my rescue,” she said. Sometimes, you think it’s easy to be a sex worker, Laura thinks otherwise. Extreme exposure to HIV and Lack of a country’s guidance document on the implementation of HIV prevention and care services for sex workers; Stigmatization and criminalization attached to the profession; the mobile nature of sex workers; the lack of indicators tracking sex workers receiving various services at the national level; the varied definitions of sex worker; Poor attitudes of some health workers toward sex workers and limited community support are some of the problems associated with commercial sex work as compiled by Uganda AIDS Commission report (2014). Laura supported this by even adding that, the gaps and challenges faced by sex workers are exacerbated by the additional stigma and mobility attached to their work and unwanted pregnancy, Laura ended up being the victim of the former.
The fear for police rape and extortion which are so common is always an issue, with officers sometimes demanding as much as Ugx 20,000/= an amount you could spend a night without getting earning. “The police will kick you on the ground, beat you, put you on TV to embarrass and shame you,” says Laura
Laura who never really believed someday she would leave this work, said as for her child; she didn’t want him to be like her. “I don’t really care if he finds out or not that I was a prostitute. All I want is to educate him and don’t want him to go through the experience I went through”
Laura’s husband who’s fathering her son knew she was a prostitute before asking her to come and stay with him. “He found me on the street one night with my son. He was hardly 6months. He asked me what I was doing on the street with a baby at that time of the night. I thought she was customer,” Laura who was ready to provide services to her perceived customer said. “By then I was still a service provider (a term they used to describe fellow prostitutes). Indeed, she provided the service to the man; who later invited her to his apartment the following day, to which she went. Laura went on to say, “He asked me if I could stay a little longer in his home, I thought he was joking. I told her I was a street hawker; ‘a commercial sex worker’ and he replied that he knew. I was shocked. To me, I thought he was feeling sorry for my son. He was the first of my then customers who had complained about staying with a child late that night. My intention was clear. I needed money to help us both which he claimed he would try his best to help get for us.”
Like most sex workers, Laura didn’t have a stable home. “I could stay in a man’s house for days depending on how long they needed me. I thought it would be the same with this man, but that was not the case.” The man who stopped Laura from going out to hawk started providing for her and her baby’s basic needs. Laura felt she was home again and eventually was moved away from the traumatizing city suburb in to a less renowned up country side. “We are happy here. I and my son are being provided with almost all we ever needed.” Anyone who has had the opportunity to leave behind a disastrous experience such as the one Laura had undergone through would definitely be grateful. She could never have been happier. She said “I am desperate to be the best housewife - even if people think he is too old for me, I think he is too good for me. I am so happy.”
With all the above story, it was understandable why Laura had to choose to stay with her current husband. I asked her if she ever would want to see her brothers and sisters she left in the village, she was positive. “Of course yes! Why not? I am looking forward to seeing them soon. I’ve talked to my husband and he wants to visit my people in the village, I haven’t seen his people as well. I will try to talk to him about it. May be he will like the idea as well, and my Kampala aunt, I hope all is well with her. I would definitely want to see her again. She was so good to me, it wasn’t her fault, I would send me away from home too if I were in her position, I just hope they all still alive” she said.
Even though Laura thinks she’s now safe and secured, she’s not sure how long this safety will last. Of course she doesn’t. “He got me from the street, I don’t know…. May be he will dump me, maybe not. Maybe we will stay forever… things happen. At one point I was helpless on the street with my son, at another point he showed up and saved me…who knows? May be something else will happen next…,” she continued. I could hardly have believed I would be like this. If everyone had their own ‘Jesus’, then Laura just got her ‘Jesus’. He saved me, I am saved now.
Amidst all these fear that things could still change anytime, Laura still thinks there’s a reason to be optimistic and it’s important to stay positive and hope for the better. I hope to stay with him, she said. I would do everything to protect this man who could have been my father but now is my husband.
Anyone would do the samething Laura (Not real name) did. Thanks for sharing your life story with me….. I wish you the best in your marriage.